Occasional Note 1: Rejuvination
Like a forest needs forest fires, I need breakdowns. I hadn’t hadn’t had a proper breakdown in about 18 months, the longest time in my memory, and it showed. I made some really bad decisions in the last few months.
I finally snapped a couple of weekends ago. I sobbed and rocked as I let it all out. As I get older, it probably becomes even less attractive, but it’s not something I think I can or want to stop. I don’t think I can appreciate the good things in life without really feeling the shit parts. Like a regular funeral, where you mourn all the little, and large, pains in life that our society hasn’t created events to put structure around.
I’m usually at my most blissful state soon after a breakdown. I certainly was much better after this one, but the build up had been so long in coming, I’m having aftershocks. And I’ve awoken in a world where I have to live with the mistakes I made in the preceding months - priorities straying massively from centre, decisions based on both fear and cockiness at the same time.
This is my second weeknotes. It’s not a week later. It’s not even an integer number of weeks. I don’t do routine. From now on it’s occasionalnotes.
